Sharing my story in honor of Maternal Mental Health Week ♥️#MyMMHStory #MMHWeek2021

I survived Postpartum Anxiety, after surviving Preeclampsia and HELLP Syndrome. Now, I walk alongside other women surviving their own stories.

The month of May reminds me of my power, but it used to remind me of my fear. This month is my emotional trifecta: Mental Health Awareness Month, Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week and Preeclampsia Awareness Month. It’s a bit of a mouthful, and each touches me intimately.

I am a very grateful mom of two amazing boys who are now 13 and 15 years old. Every single day, I take a moment of gratitude that we are living life together. My boys and I are survivors, and I no longer take anything for granted.

My first pregnancy ended abruptly with Preeclampsia and HELLP Syndrome. It took me a few days to even understand what was happening to my body, much less my mind. I didn’t even know what Preeclampsia was until I googled it! The nurses kept telling me the big diagnoses while numerous ‘Mag bags’ were administered, but my mind couldn’t comprehend it–and I felt horrible! Extreme anxiety set in shortly after my son and I came home. I attempted to ignore it for as long as I could. It felt like such a miracle that we survived, that I sometimes actually felt guilty for feeling so lost. Eventually, I grabbed a lifeline and found the support I needed to process, heal and move forward.

My anxiety revisited during my next pregnancy as Preeclampsia set in once again. I had an emergency cesarean due a placental abruption, which I honestly believe was detected only because my toddler demanded I stay up and watch Thomas the Tank Engine with him at midnight. It would take chapters to detail my birth experience but we survived and I am grateful. However, this postpartum added a few doses of intrusive thoughts and occasions of depressive mood, along with roaring anxiety.

I will forever be grateful for my therapist who walked me through some really dark and scary times. Upon my recovery, I decided I wanted to be a Mom who helps other Moms. Many of us enter pregnancy feeling excited and healthy, never expecting our physical or mental health to come crashing down while welcoming such sweet bundles into the world. As I accepted and processed the emotional challenges I faced, I became a counselor and birth therapist to support others.

I am actually grateful for my struggle. Eventually, I let myself feel it all. Yes, it was scary and rocky at times. But I found myself; I embraced my power. I accepted my vulnerability and sat with fear in ways I never would have understood without the journey.

Now when a Mom tells me she’s scared or overwhelmed or doesn’t want to go on, I am able to stand alongside her with my full self. I believe that we have the power to survive any obstacles that come our way, but grabbing ahold of some lifelines makes the journey a lot more bearable.

Finding myself in a global pandemic has triggered some of my birth memories. A situation I never could have predicted, feeling vulnerable and holding tight to the lifelines I trust are safe are some of the many thoughts running through the constant chatter in my head. But I remind myself that I have the strategies to process through all of this. I’ve done hard things before, and I’ll do them again. This is a confusing and complex time, but as I survived my births and postpartum, I’ll find ways to get through this, too. Life has showed me that I am resilient, and I will continue to listen and remind others of their power when things feel uncertain. Birth creates our blueprint for life; no better time than now to process through those primal moments of power, vulnerability and love.

© Jen McCurdy, 2021